Unrelated to the rest of the post: I love this weather. It’s dark, dreary and drizzly. The occasional thunderstorm is fun to watch too. My living room has a big window and Ainsley and I sit by it to read books and watch storms blow toward us.

If you read my last post, you know that my diet has become a big struggle for me. Ainsley is still having an allergic reaction to something I eat, including potential minor bleeding. So I had to go on a totally bland diet of:

• brown rice
• chicken
• olive oil
• salt
• water

That’s it. That’s all I can consume until we figure out her issue. It seems easier to just give up and feed her formula, but formula has its own issues. It can make her digestion problems worse. It can exacerbate the bleeding. The medical professionals with whom I’m consulting all say she’s better off nursing than switching to formula, so I’m staying the course. Meanwhile, I still think chicken is gross. If you don’t care about humane slaughter, then surely you care that current slaughter techniques may increase pathogenic contamination. Reading articles like this just makes it worse; now we’re studying them to see how much blood makes them look better in the grocery?

However, there is no alternate source of protein for me. She may have a soy allergy, a wheat allergy, or who knows what. I can’t have wine, dessert, oatmeal. Zip. It’s annoying. I don’t feel like cooking anything for Carlton because I hate looking at stuff I can’t eat or even taste. But totally 100% worth every bland bite (see photo at right!).

Oh, and shame on me- almost no walking. But I’m still dropping pounds. I would like to be not just thin, but also be fit, so hopefully my c-section recovery book will arrive soon.

For those who have noted my recent lack of posting/emailing them/calling, I regret to inform you that I have learned a new lesson the hard way.

Psst….

Being a parent is hard! I won’t bore you with the whining that any parent can tell you (so tired, no time for anything else). The last few days have been the hardest- I’m second-guessing myself at every turn. Some sources say to feed her 8-12 times daily; others say as few as six. Some say to let her cry; others say never. Pacifier? No pacifier? Will this blanket accidentally smother her? Are the carseat straps tight enough but without hurting her? It’s an information overload and everything I do is considered right by at least one source…and dead wrong by at least one more. But the big issue is that Ainsley’s allergic to something I’m eating and I have to slowly eliminate everything to figure out the cause. First was dairy; I’d been limiting my dairy intake from the day of her birth, so it was just one more step to completely stop (goodbye, delicious butter and cream, I shall miss you). Now it’s soy, too, and if that doesn’t work, all citrus.

Dairy had been a major protein source throughout my pregnancy; losing soy meant losing my new main protein source. I was depressed. I’d been so proud of my healthful low-to-no meat diet, and I simply couldn’t be sure Ainsley had enough of the right nutrients with no dairy or soy. I called a friend who’s been vegetarian for 19 years and vegan for five. I begged for advice on what to eat. He gave me some great ideas, but also helped me feel comfortable with the fact I might have to just eat some meat and get over myself already.

Seriously, I am fine with eating some meat if it means that we can fix this food allergy problem and if it means Ainsley and I have enough protein. I was just so proud of my dietary changes and it felt like backsliding at first. Being a total vegetarian is not something I thought I’d ever accomplish, but I was proud of how far I’d come, from meat-centric fatty dinners to healthful fruits, grains, and vegetables at the core of most meals. But nothing trumps doing the right thing for Ainsley so I will have a little animal protein more often. I was only eating fish, but I can’t eat too much due to mercury, …it’s all tiring and easy to overthink.

Well, you see the point. Oh, and enjoy the latest baby picture.

OK, I’m eating healthfully, I’m drinking lots of water, and I’m walking 1-2K daily. But my weight won’t budge. In fact, it’s gone the wrong direction!

Before you start composing a cheery and encouraging comment to post, I’m totally fine with my lack of progress. Sure, I barely fit into my “skinny” maternity pants (just the term makes me laugh), but the fact that I’m doing everything right and also taking care of the nutritional needs of an entire other person…well, that’s enough for me.

Yesterday was week number three for the little girl. Here’s a picture; I think the blanket makes her look like a peapod. I look at pics to remind me of what the ultimate goals really is- healthy me, healthy baby!

I’m off to walk- hopefully the rain will stay at bay. I’ll take an umbrella just in case.

Well, it’s like the title says.  Yesterday was a little of both. It started well; my sister made a nice healthful breakfast of eggs and toast for me.  I had cereal with dried berries and soymilk for lunch.  The baby’s feeding and sleeping schedule was relatively stable, which always helps.   But late in the day, with my helpers gone and my husband not feeling well, I crumbled.  I was tired, had no caffeine, and wasn’t sure I could make it upstairs to cook anything.  So I caved.

Carlton’s mom had brought us chicken salad and ham salad.  I was so happy that she brought food, especially for Carlton, since I am not cooking lately.  Sure, I’m not eating much meat at all, but the salads would make good sandwiches for Carlton.  That’s the theory, anyway.  I was so hungry and there was so nothing in the fridge that I caved and ate several enormous spoonsful of ham salad.  I really needed some protein and I was tired and my willpower was low.

(PS- I thought it was “spoonsful.” That’s what they taught me in school, anyway.)

I decided that I simply couldn’t be mad at myself for eating the most unhealthful thing I could find.  I drank lots of water to counteract the salt and realized that I couldn’t skip the evening walk!  I’m proud to say that I walked a whole mile instead of the usual half.  This was also my first outing with Ainsley and Sunny together.  Sunny did very well; I forewent her usual footwear because I thought the stroller was enough confusion for her without adding shoes.

Today, I’m totally without any baby help for the first time.  I am still having trouble with stairs so I’m limiting my trips.  Lunch was organic pasta with soyburger (OK, from a can, but still low fat and nutritious).  Ainsley’s napping and I’m feeling half well rested.  I’m feeling pretty good about things now.

It’s been a loosely guarded secret, but the so-called cat is out of the bag: I had a little girl last week!

As many of my readers know, becoming a parent was not my number one goal in life. But now that I’ve met her…let’s just say everything changes. Five hours of sleep is the new 12 and somehow that’s OK with me. Nursing is difficult- sometimes shockingly painful- but worth every minute. Seeing her look at me is a just reward for every physical or emotional thing I’ve been through this week.

I never thought I’d be this way. Sure, I thought I could do it, but I didn’t think I’d be this…overjoyed. I know that I sound like every other new parent. But it’s true!

Her name is Ainsley Elaine; she weighed 7 pounds, 11 ounces and was 19.5 inches long at birth. No, there are no current plans for her to have her own blog (but that might change). The pets are adjusting pretty well; Mr. Kitty is a little afraid of her, Mini is cautiously curious, and Silo is nonplussed. Sunny is still at my parents’ house and I cannot wait to see her reaction to the new kid in town.

In some ways I feel totally different; in others, completely the same. I’m completely in love with someone I only met ten days ago; on the other hand, I’m looking forward to resuming my wine tasting hobby!