Thoughts on One and a Half Years

My relationship with Ainsley has never been at one speed. We move from gentle moments to funny ones, then struggling. The struggles are hard for me.

At the beginning of January, she experienced a time when “no” was the only word she knew. Everything was no. But it wasn’t just willfulness; she would say “no” to something she actually did want and then cry, confused by her own answer. All I could do was be there and not allow her frustration to frustrate me. My sister helped me re-center and concentrate on being Ainsley’s constant source of peace and acceptance.

I speak only in French to her and I love to read her books. I also love to roll around on the floor and make her giggle. I love to feed her freshly made, organic foods of many cultures; I laugh and comply when, after dinner, she repeats, “cookie? Cookie? Cookie?”

But our relationship is still far from ideal. She cries when Daddy isn’t in the same room. Last night, I took a running leap into Carlton’s arms. She cried; I got down to include her in a three-person hug. She only wanted Daddy and pushed me away. We realized that she was jealous that Daddy was holding me, not her.

She also delights in pulling my hair or scratching my face. We do gently but firmly correct her, telling her it isn’t acceptable, but she is still doing it.

It’s very hard to write this. Being a parent is my number one job, and my client doesn’t like my work. I guess I’m writing this so that other mommies out there who may struggle similarly can know they aren’t alone.

Every day with her is a gift. I’m not shallow enough to let her rejections harden me against her. The moments when she is the most difficult are the ones when I most need to be caring and loving. When I am alone with her, we have wonderful times and I get to see her sassy and sweet little self. She’s comprehending English and French; she speaks words clearly and is stringing together ever-longer sentences. She is wonderfully compassionate with animals and children. She is excelling at learning to dress herself and excitedly helps put on her “show-sooorss.” I love watching her clean her tray or sweep the floor carefully.

My dear sweet Ainsley, I love you more every day. I hope that my constant love and acceptance now will help you understand you can always rely on me.

4 thoughts on “Thoughts on One and a Half Years

  1. Hello Nicole…your little girl looks just like you:) I too know the words “NO” she just wants to be the center of everything!!! it will take sometime but it will soon be yes and not always no.

  2. Hi
    I live in Sydney.
    I just checked the soy allergy and find your web.
    I am at similar situation with you that my son has servere food allergy including egg milk wheat and chicken and fish…
    The allergist suggested us transfer to soy formula.
    He is ten and half months now.
    I just stopped breastfeeding last week.
    He has some symptom after dringking soy formula like itchy and there are still some redness on his face and ear.
    I didn’t eat those things that cause his allergy for 7 months when I was breastfeeding.
    I can totally understand what you feel.
    It is really difficult to nursing a little angel with special needs.
    Thanks God my son Oscar is a happy boy.
    Did your daughter feel better?
    I would like to know if it will recover in the future.
    It is nice to know that we are at similare stage and trying hard for our babies.

  3. Pingback: Joan

  4. Pingback: Thoughts on Two Years « Nicole, Deipnosophist.

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