Trying Hard to be Positive

I am having good days and bad days.

My good and bad days are closely tied to how bad my dog’s heart is that day.  Sometimes she’s like a puppy who just wants a treat; others, she can barely get up because the coughing is so bad, or she shakes just from sitting still.  Her quality of life is so variable that I just don’t know what to do.

I contacted a local vet about the possibility of in-home euthanasia if Sunny’s heart fails and she’s dying painfully.  I have been pretty matter-of-fact about all of this and the other night I realized why: I can’t start to be sad because if I do, I think the floodgates will open.  I’m leaving a message for the doctor and I feel like I’m saying “yes, I’d like to schedule the killing of my sweet, innocent doggie.”

What do I do?  How do I get OK with this?  I just don’t know.  I feel like I’m doing something awful because she doesn’t understand a thing of what’s happening…like I’m planning a murder.

I just hope she continues to have more good days than bad so we can spend more time together.

One thought on “Trying Hard to be Positive

  1. It’s never easy. I remember what I went through with Kuriko. Even though I knew it was the right thing to do, even though it was obvious what had to happen, it still ripped my heart out to choke out the words to the vet.

    I wish I could offer some words of wisdom, but nothing can really make it “better”. But when the time comes, you’ll have to realize it’s for the best so that she won’t suffer no matter how bad it makes you feel at the time.

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