I am having good days and bad days.

My good and bad days are closely tied to how bad my dog’s heart is that day.  Sometimes she’s like a puppy who just wants a treat; others, she can barely get up because the coughing is so bad, or she shakes just from sitting still.  Her quality of life is so variable that I just don’t know what to do.

I contacted a local vet about the possibility of in-home euthanasia if Sunny’s heart fails and she’s dying painfully.  I have been pretty matter-of-fact about all of this and the other night I realized why: I can’t start to be sad because if I do, I think the floodgates will open.  I’m leaving a message for the doctor and I feel like I’m saying “yes, I’d like to schedule the killing of my sweet, innocent doggie.”

What do I do?  How do I get OK with this?  I just don’t know.  I feel like I’m doing something awful because she doesn’t understand a thing of what’s happening…like I’m planning a murder.

I just hope she continues to have more good days than bad so we can spend more time together.